The Regent and the General: The Panic Attack

I didn’t know what to do. The panic was starting to spread in my body, and I couldn’t breathe. My fingers were trembling, and I really just needed some air. My brain was starting to throb against the skull, and I felt the migraine creep up from behind and take over the entire left side of my head. I really hated it, when the panic attack took over me completely. I didn’t know what to do. I couldn’t focus at all. I thought I heard some glass shatter in the background, but I wasn’t sure.

I felt something warm in my hand, but I didn’t take notice of it. In the distance I could hear voices calling at me, but I couldn’t focus on who it was or what they were saying. I stumbled across the floor and felt hands reaching for me, probably to hold me up. I tried really hard to focus on their faces, but it was just blurred lines, so I shot my eyes closed. Their hands tried to get me to sit down, but I just bashed their hands away. For fucks sake, I didn’t want their stupid help. I just wanted to be alone.

But then I heard that one voice, I would recognize anywhere in the world. It was her voice. The voice, I thought, I lost the right to hear a long time ago. But she was here, and I didn’t understand how.

“Megan” her voice called out in my foggy mind, and tears instantly ran down my cheeks. I reached my hand out for her, but since I still couldn’t focus, my hand just grabbed out in the empty air. I let out a sob, because my mind realized that she wasn’t there, like all the other times I had broken down and dreamed about her presence. Then I felt her small warm hands cupping my face, and once again I heard her voice. This time she whispered my name, but I could hear it loud and clearly. “Megan, listen to me” it came calmly from her, like we were having a normal conversation and not me broken down in front of her. “Focus on my voice, and come back to me, love” she used the words I have told her so many times before. The exact words that I used to pull her out of her misery, and now she was using them to help me. I blinked a few times and then her face was bright and clear right in front of me. Her expression was filled with concern, but when she saw that I was coming back to focus, her expression changed. I saw her eyes smile with the brightest light, and her mouth also smiled a little. “That’s right, Megan. Just come back to me, I’m right here” she whispered, and I opened my mouth and then closed it again. “Don’t talk. Just focus on my voice, alright? You will be okay, but you need to focus” she told me with a voice that wasn’t up for debate. I just nodded silently and took my time to focus on her words, while she was holding my gaze to her, so I didn’t go out of focus again.

Slowly my breathing began to be normal again, and I heard the words “Breathe in, breathe out. Focus on that”. My eyes started to collect the blurred lines into the outlines the things around me had. I saw Gina and Eliot stand right behind Callie and they both looked very worried. “Don’t focus on them, my love. Just focus on me” she said and I turned my eyes back to hers. The pain in my head throbbed as did the cut in my hand. I noticed that I was clenching the hand very tight, so that the blood wouldn’t spill on the floor. Eliot noticed it as well and came over and put a bandage on my hand without saying a word. “Look at me” said Callie to me, and I looked her in the eyes. “Are your fingers trembling?” she asked, and I looked down on my hands. My fingers did shake a little bit, but not as bad as when the panic rushed through my body. And that was when I noticed that the panic attack had stopped. I could breathe fine again, and I felt calm inside. The only remaining signs were the pain in my hand and head. I looked up at her again, and saw the smile that was on her face, because she knew exactly what I just had discovered. “I said you will be fine, love” she smiled even more. “Callie” I finally spoke and once again broke down with tears, while I threw myself in her embrace and felt her arms around me for the first time in many months.